my relationship with words has always been one big on-going love affair. they come into my life and sweep me off my feet, never failing to fascinate me, intrigue me, and touch me in ways i have not been touched before. i am including a list of books that have had the most impact on my journey, all which take a non-dogmatic approach and encourage us to free our minds from tradition and discover for ourselves what our spirits need most. 

this book stays on my bedside table. it reminds me to stay present regardless of what is going on in my life. i reach for this book time and time again as a reminder to let things happen as they naturally need to happen, without force or clever scheme. everything is unfolding as it should and the tao describes this process effortlessly. here is a verse from the book:

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

this book takes takes on a very refreshing approach to relationships. osho dives right into the heart of the matter, without watering down his words, discussing the importance of solitude, which leads to true love and ultimate freedom. here is an excerpt:

love appears as relationship, but begins in deep solitude. when you are absolutely happy in your aloneness – when you don’t need the other at all, when the other is not a need – then you are capable of love. your aloneness is your truth. your aloneness is your divineness.

if you really want to know love, forget about love and remember meditation. if you want to bring roses into your garden, forget about roses and take care of the rosebush. give nourishment to it, water it, take care that it gets the right amount of sun, water. if everything is taken care of, in the right time the roses are destined to come. you cannot bring them earlier, you cannot force them to open up sooner. and you cannot ask a rose to be more perfect.

love never suspects, love is never jealous. love never interferes in the other’s freedom. love never imposes on the other. love brings freedom, love gives freedom.

i have read a few books on buddhism and this one is my favorite. dzigar kongtrul finds freedom through self-reflection and awareness.

we can realize the beauty of our own inner nature when we stop manipulating everything that crosses our path as a way to fortify a sense of self. without feeling threatened or trying to control them, just let things arise naturally and let them be.

the great sages of the past sought and found independence from the preconditioned habits and traditions of society. they spent their time in solitude, developing wakefulness and engaging in deep self-reflection. practitioners who train in courage become true warriors. the war we wage is not with enemies outside of ourselves but with the powerful forces of our own habitual tendencies and negative emotions. 

a friend gave this to me a few years ago. i find it incredibly simple and meaningful with a genuine look at partnerships. it is not so much relationship advice as it is a reminder that love is always available to us if we open our hearts and minds. here are a few words from the book:

you cannot force each other to be or feel a certain way. if you insist on happiness you create misery. if you insist on achievement you create failure. if you insist on a certain behavior you insure its opposite.

but your complete acceptance creates serenity and comfort, and your straightforwardness creates security and honesty.

this is my favorite book. krishnamurti brilliantly communicates the importance of truly understanding self. rather than explaining his philosophy on life, he encourages us to explore our own lives by stripping ourselves of prejudice and preconceived ideas in order to find freedom. here are a few of his words:

so now we are going to investigate ourselves together – not one person explaining while you read, agreeing or disagreeing with him as you follow the words on the page, but taking a journey together, a journey of discovery into the most secret corners of our minds. and to take such a journey we must travel light; we cannot be burdened with opinions, prejudices, and conclusions – all that old furniture we have collected for the last two thousand years and more. you have to be your own teacher and your own disciple. you have to question everything that man has accepted as valuable, as necessary.

freedom is a state of mind – not freedom from something but a sense of freedom, a freedom to doubt and question everything and therefore so intense, active and vigorous that it throws away every form of dependence, slavery, conformity and acceptance.

this came highly recommended 10 years ago by a very special friend, with whom i have since lost touch. it was the first book i read that really spoke to my spirit.

everything you’ll ever need to know is within you. knowledge alone does not suffice; it has no heart. no amount of knowledge will nourish or sustain your spirit; it can never bring you ultimate happiness or peace. life requires more than knowledge; it requires intense feeling and constant energy. life demands right action if knowledge is to come alive.

 this book, which was given to me as a gift, gracefully explores the possibility of combining independence and freedom as an individual with love and partnership. i have included an excerpt from this beloved book, gift from the sea by anne morrow lindbergh:

i must find a balance…a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return.

a good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules. the partners do not need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern. there is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand; only the barest touch in passing, because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it.

when each partner loves so completely that he has forgotten to ask himself whether or not he is loved in return; when he only knows that he loves and is moving to its music – then, and then only, are two people able to dance perfectly in tune to the same rhythm.

when you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. it is an impossibility. it is even a lie to pretend to. and yet this is exactly what most of us demand. we have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. we insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. the only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. 

both partners are lost in a common sea of the universal which absorbs and yet frees, which separates and yet unites. is this not what the more mature relationship, the meeting of two solitudes, is meant to be?

i hold this to be the highest task

for a bond between two people:

that each protects the solitude of the other. ~rilke 

 The more two people open to each other, the more this wide-openness also brings to the surface all the obstacles to it: their deepest, darkest wounds, their desperation and mistrust,and their rawest emotional trigger points. Just as the sun’s warmth causes clouds to arise by prompting the earth to release its moisture, so love’s pure openness activates the thick clouds of our emotional wounding, the tight places where we are shut down, where we live in fear and resist love.

~ John Welwood 

love creeps up on us, as she proves time and time again, through her careful but unanticipated arrival. she waits until our defenses are down and then quietly tiptoes around a corner, only to catch us completely off guard. without invitation, she proceeds to open a window to our unsuspecting heart while we are still trying to figure out who it is knocking at the door. 

i awaken, not knowing what to expect, as she comes waltzing in with her basket full of surprises and unpredictable plans. she is dressed in her latest disguise, unrecognizable to the eye. but the heart can not be deceived. the heart remembers love. how could she forget the familiar visitor who, with all her disappointments, never fails to bring to my life a token of enormous value? she moves with purpose, here for reasons my analytical mind can not yet comprehend. unconcerned with my ego and its outrageous fears, i welcome love and all the gifts she has come to deliver. her offerings are pure.

before long, my armor slowly disappears and i am dancing in the out-stretched arms of love without a worry in this wondrous world we are bringing into existence. she removes my mask, uncovering parts of myself that previous guests have been unable to reveal, showing me colors i have never seen. i could question her intentions, but that will only spoil the moment, so i bask effortlessly in the beauty of her uncomplicated presence.

love comes when we need her and leaves when it is time for her to go. the length of her stay makes no difference because her departure will be just as precious as her arrival, leaving us with fond memories and invaluable lessons to reflect upon, preparing us for her return.